Hi, kumusta? Here's a briefy bio..

Call me ZA. I'm a bonafide Thomasian hailing from the distance of Fairview, Quezon City. I'll definitely play music for living and gobble shawarma every now and then. I love being with the people around me. My family, my friends, my friends at church, my band: Nuras (pati na mga tao sa jamingan ni kuya Oland), the 3rd floor people at UST music, and my blogmates. . These groups are the ones responsible for what I am today: sira-ulo! Biro lang.

Oh..and I'm also in love with someone else. I call him JC. He's the greatest bestfriend and an ultimate rockstar. He comes in the most mysterious ways you could ever think of. Nakaka-elibs. He lent and redeemed me a thing called life. He was even nailed and crucified for me. He's given me eighteen years of blessings and is still giving me more. Now that's more than something to be thankful. He rocks my world and without Him I am nothing. Yeahbah!

I live a complex life covered with shallowness. Syempre this is just a blog, what you'll get in here are nothing but blahs. The thorny parts are reserved for the real world.

Nevertheless, peep in and bribe me with shawarmas!

         My life is a mess. I realized this the moment I turned a senior in high school and applied six different courses, which I can't even completely remember each one anymore, in three different universities for my college education. I didn't know what I was doing back then. Well, I still have no idea what exactly I am doing right now. I just wrote down the first programs that popped in my mind in my forms and took shots with them. If I recall them correctly, these were Economics, Statistics, Business Management, Architecture, Engineering and Music.

         It turned out I chose to enroll a Bachelor's Degree in Music Education because maybe it felt good at that moment, maybe it felt right at that instance. I did finish the program on time but before I graduated I cross-enrolled a totally different course in Information Technology in a totally different institution. Don't ask me why 'coz I honestly don't know the reason as well. Maybe I felt bored, maybe I felt unsecured. To sum it up, I just wasted my parents' money and two semesters’ worth of my time. Don't get me wrong, I voluntarily dropped out even though I had A+ on my subjects and aced the international exams. Again, don't ask me why. Maybe I was always restless, maybe I was fatigued.

         I practiced my degree right after I graduated. I became a preschool music teacher in a private school, took the board exam, received my license and then resigned. Maybe I didn’t see myself being a teacher at the moment or maybe I just got restless.

         Right after I tendered my resignation, I took a shot in advertising: did a few projects, tried script writing and dubbing directing, went freelancing as a production assistant in TVC's and Music, and then quit in less than a year. Don't ask me why. Maybe it wasn't for me; maybe it's not my world.

         Bumming around for months, I tried and entered the popular BPO industry. I became a customer service representative and for the first time, I got tenured. I stayed in the same position for more than a year but it didn't take long before I took off again. Maybe it felt monotonous, maybe I felt unsecured.

         And then I enrolled into another program which is Accountancy. I went goofing around the campus like a first time college student, took my classes seriously this time, topped my exams, got a couple of my final grades to land in flat 1 and all the others to not less than 1.75. But it only took me two semesters to voluntarily drop out, unofficially this time. Don't ask me why. Maybe because the registrar screwed up my records and they want me to re-process every file from the previous university I went to or maybe I just got lonely; I had to spend my free time either alone in the library or alone in the car.

        I finally stopped and gave up thinking about my career path for a while. I took the time of my life, did some things I never did before, travelled to places I’ve never been to, crossed out a lot of bullets in my bucket list.. I lived my life. 

        This unlikely definition of living a life is unfortunately not possible for me because I had to stop the moment my bank account started screaming. I died and went back to reality.

        Responding to the needs of my trust fund, I resorted to go back to the most comfortable job I ever had. I was re-hired by my old BPO Company and surprisingly got termed in a week. This is what got me into pondering again.. Di kaya astronaut talaga ang dapat na profession ko?!

        It felt like I have wasted so much time and energy and it seemed like I have made all the bad decisions there is but I’d like to believe that everything happens for a reason. Although I still have no financial securities, I still have no plans for the future because I STILL haven't figured out what I wanna do for a living, plus I’m not getting any younger, yet I still have faith for a brighter future because God is in control.  

        Yes, my life is still a mess but I believe all is well.

Sana pwedeng bumili ng tingi-tinging lupa anytime. Tipong 1 sq.m. every two months, or kung kailan ka lang may pera. Sa tagal ng pagdating ng panahon na may bultong pera na ako wala na sigurong bakanteng lote sa lupang pinapangarap. 

Buntong hininga.

I am a total mess.

I have plenty of things to do yet I don't know what to do. This is me when you're not around. I so got used to having you all around every single day. It has only been two days and I'm already bored not to mention I had fun-filled activities yesterday (the UP jogging session, and the lugaw sharing and Jenga playtime with Mai and Alvin).

Today I went to church, stayed to mingle after the service for a while, went to the mall alone, watched few episodes of Glee with the cousins, took Kiwi for a bath, did my cabinet, watched T.V., yet it feels like I still have enormous free time to kill. But when you're around time madly passes by too fast that it makes me wish of stretching the days into 30-hour periods so then I have six more loving hours to spend with you everyday. 

Soon when all becomes well and you get to finally pursue your career, I'll be like Elizabeth Swann and you get to be William Turner whereas for every ten years at sea he could spend one day ashore to be with her. I am just not ready. On the contrary I will never be ready.  I am badly screwed.

I stumbled upon my old books and found “Someone’s Own (A Pinch of a Whole)” written by yours truly some ten years ago. It was a prerequisite project for a class during my 2^nd year in High School. We were required to write a book of which anything goes. There was this one article in the book entitled, “Lifetime Dreams”. It’s more likely of a list than an article, a list of all my small and big wants in life at the moment.

I realized I have been continuously writing the list up to this day though not under the same title and format. I call it My Bucket List based on the movie. I put everything I desire in it: from the smallest wants such as owning a plain varsity bag up to the craziest thoughts of flying my own airplane. There are no rules in the list. May it be realistic or not I write it down. There’s no harm in dreaming, is there?

I decided to fuse the old and new list (by keeping the old format, the new title, and most of the bullets if not all) and continue on them as long as I can. J

Since for some reasons I cannot seem to paste the list in this site (I thing it's the rows and columns or the table) here's the link instead:

 http://zawarma.multiply.com/journal

Embarassing and frustrating it is.

Hindi ko na ata kayang mag-antay ng apat na taon pang muli para maka-alis sa bahay na ito. Ang gulo-gulo ng pamamalakad. Gagawa ka ng tama, maninita ng sa tingin mo mali pero ang nasa pusisyon pagtatawanan ka lang. Ikaw tuloy ang kontrabida. Ikaw ang parte ng pamilya pero kung sigaw-sigawan ka ng katulong akala mo ikaw ang binabayaran. Isusumbong mo sa magulang mo, pagtatawanan ka lang, kesyo ikaw daw ang may pinag-aralan ikaw daw dapat ang umintindi. Hanggang kailan ka iintindi? 

Ang Shema. Bow.

I had to pay a much higher price monthly for a year with Shema because they had given the voucher to a labandera. Inuna pa ang katulong kesa sa anak.

Ang DVD player. Bow.

He bought a new dvd player with higher features than of the one that is existing in the house. He gave it away to the same labandera, don't ask me why! Why not give it to me or to my brother, we don't have our own yet? Are we actually even earning that much to give away appliances?!

Ang mga damit ni Lola. Bow.

This is just too sad. Few weeks after Lola passed away, I asked for her clothes only to find out the labanderas got them already. I asked to get them back. I was denied. This makes me cry upto now. She is my Lola. I am the apo. You are the daughter, how can you not do anything about it?

Ang dami-dami pang insidente at pagkakataon. Ayoko nang alalahanin pa.

No matter how hard you try upon doing your best to straighten up things around the house it won't make any difference if the real authorities do not make any efforts. Namimihasa kasi pinamimihasa. This makes me want to quit schooling, have a job, and live on my own. If I cant go against the flow I'd rather get out of it than go with it.

May 22, 2009 (Fri) 7:20pm

      I'm currently in a coffee shop at Techno Hub. I'm with Keypi who's trying to study for her upcoming board exam while I goof around with the laptop. I brought Flatops with me thinking there'd be a wifi service in here which shockingly I am wrong. Because of that I am surprisingly trying to write anything gistful again but to my dismay all I can scribble is this senseless thought: I've lost my groove as well as my pride. Just this Tuesday, I've applied at Teletech for the position of costumer service representative and I got the very fast result the very next day--I'm in. Though I'm thankful I've gone through their interviews and exams in all likelihood, this is so unlike me. I have no grudges or whatsoever with call center agents. It's just that I'm going to lose my degree if I'm going to give in for it. But then again with my current work I think I've lost it already. I am writing as I am thinking and I am confused. Doing freelance in advertising, as what I am doing now, dubbing-directing in particular, is fun and prosperous-ful, believe me it is. I don't have to go to work everyday but the money won't come regularly either. But when it comes watch out big time. The thing is I want a regular job. A job where I'd know exactly my schedule way ahead of time, a job that will pay me regularly. Either of the two jobs in front of me doesn't have anything to do with my music degree anyway, then what am I confused of? When it all comes down to it, I just don't really really know what I really really want to do for a living. What I'm positively sure of at the moment is that I do not want to teach classroom-music for the mean time. Ditch the degree...and the license, I'm just not into it right now. I'm not closing my teaching career though. Maybe someday I'd be grateful to teach again, just not today.

        What the heck...who even cares for this stuff nowadays?

                               ---------

        Ok, it’s been three hours and I’m running out of things to do. I tried to make a photo-tribute about my relationship with Marvin using Win Movie Maker. Inspiration is not enough. Bummed.

        I have the psp right beside me but I don’t feel like playing with it, it’s sad to think I fell out of love with it just when Flatops came along a month or so ago. I’m thinking of selling it out. I'm just not a gamer. Just the way how Matt would burst it, “sayang ang energy”. Teehee. That man had changed a lot. He’s began to be very spiritual, filling in too much of optimism. That’s a good thing though. Wish I could have such vibe.

Sobrang luma nabaduyan na ako sa mga entry at pag-customize ko ng html noon. Pati na sa mga pictures ko. Haha. Baduy.

My relationship with my lovely family is getting sick. My love life is falling apart. I'm young, I'm 23 and I'm not getting any paycheck. I graduated with a fine degree from the country's 3rd best university yet I still don't know what I really want to do for a living. My career isn't getting any better..worse, I DON'T have a career. I can't seem to find the directions. My moods are swinging higher and higher. Lord, please take the wheel. I'm losing it.